When I was 18 I lived with a handful of girls and worked at a company where I was directly under a handsome slightly older man. It was the height of my rebellion as a young adult. Curiosity was a tangible state for me. I felt free, wild, and like I could take on the world. It wasn't long before I was head over heels for this tall powerful supervisor. He began to notice me, seek me out. Compliment me, make me laugh and feel safe around him. My 18 year old eyes were full of hearts and I trusted him completely. He made me feel loved and wanted, something I had previously struggled with. I was happy, or I thought I was. I had brought him back to the home I lived with my roommates. It was late and so he only met my very good friend. After he left, my friend said she didn't like him. She felt weird around him.
I dismissed her opinion and continued to see this man. One rainy night we were alone in a car, waiting for other friends to meet us. The downpour was our excuse to cuddle and kiss. He expected more. He expected me to please him. He fed the usual lines like 'if you really care for me you would want this as much as I do.' and 'I thought we had something.' My stomach dropped as I now understood that he didn't care about me. My mind was spinning with so much sadness and confusion. Why would anyone expect something like this?
My naïve self couldn't comprehend what was happening and what was about to happen. I had a very clear warning in my head to get out of the car and seek my friends. Why would I do that, though? I cared about this guy. "We can figure this out." "I've never done this before" are just a few of the things I tried to bargain with. Then, I saw the look in his eyes. He wasn't going to bargain with me.
He came closer and said he was just going to kiss me and everything was ok, he was sorry... I took a deep breath and relaxed against him, giving up my trust once again. Several minutes later he aggressively pulled my head back by my hair.
He looked at me and said he was done with me acting like a little girl, and I needed to start acting like a woman. I was frozen in fear. He still held my hair with a savage grip. He pushed my head down towards his exposed genitals. My arms flew into action and I pushed off his thigh to stop what was happening.
He was strong. Stronger than me.
"Open your mouth and be nice." He says. I can't begin to describe the fear that I felt at that moment. The moment you understand that you are not strong enough, that at this moment I was stripped of my control. I was pushed down so hard, that I began gagging and gasping for breath when abruptly I was flung back. Relief was what I felt first. Then I saw our friends and that was my first, and not the last moment I felt a deep shame. The fear came back as he pulled me back to him and apologized over and over and said he didn't know what he was thinking and he was glad our friends were coming closer because he never intended for it to go this far.
I began to rationalize why this happened. I tried to convince myself that it didn't happen the way I thought it did. I tried to lessen the blow. tell myself it was me not being fully invested in this new relationship. I was smarter than to believe the lies I told myself. We were joined by 3 others. Since we were in the back seat one friend sat by the man who had hurt me. He possessively tightened his arm around me and softly pet my hair. His brow to mine, said "I love you."
I nodded. I was blank. He didn't wait for a response. Joining the chatter in the car he held me tight and ignored any protests. No one noticed that I wasn't ok. We went back to work to get his car. He got out of the car and pulled me with him. The numbness wouldn't go away. Finally I said " I'll just hitch a ride with them. Liz lives closer to me."
"No. I want to take you home." Laughter skidded away with the car with a lasting comment..."of course, they need their ALONE time." Alone, that is what I was. Alone with this man who now terrified me. instead of going to his car, he unlocked the door at work and motioned me inside. I can't tell you why I didn't run. I can't tell you why I didn't scream. I just followed and hoped that I'd be ok. I wasn't, that's when he raped me. In the entry way on the hard floor of our work building.
Stole my virginity. Clouded my innocent mind. Jaded the idea I had of the world.
When I got home everyone was asleep. No one heard me come in. I showered in the tiny uncomfortable shower and went to bed. I didn't sleep, how could I? I decided I just had to move on and pretend like it didn't happen. So, I dressed and went to work. Arriving a little late, so I'm not alone with anyone. later that day at work I hear my name mentioned and hear him bragging about my f&%$@#! tight p****.
I left, and promptly quit. I look back 12 years ago at my 18 year old self and grieve for the things I lost. I lost my self respect, my positive outlook, my will to succeed. I still don't understand how one terrifying experience can change you permanently. However, it did. It does... change you.
As a result of the previous assault, I began partying. Drinking and eating to excess. Ultimately, falling deeper into a pit of depression. Suicide was the only real thought I had many days. Once a responsible and determined person, I grew outraged at the world, at God, at my parents and siblings for not knowing I needed them. I couldn't handle to be touched. I struggled with peoples touch, not out of disgust for them, but because I hated who I was. I hated that when someone touched me I was scared, terrified. He broke me.
To this day, I get teases mercilessly when someone touches me and I 'wipe it off.' It sends me into a panic. I know I wouldn't have been teased had I told someone the truth of my pain. I remember the day I was forced to succumb to a man and his selfish desires.
Two years later
This one is short, I didn't have any sort of relationship with him, I knew only his first name, which I learned after the fact. Evan.
I drank that night. Not just a few shots, 13 shots of cheap vodka. I drank so much that I flew right past belligerent and settled into passing out. My friends brought me to a room and laid me on a bed. I don't know how long I was passed out. I woke up feeling cold, a breeze brushed my bare skin... bare skin? I was bared from the hips down, and watching a guy have sex with me. I couldn't lift my head or move my body, I was overwhelmed my the dizziness the alcohol caused. He finished what he was doing and left me there, naked and drunk.
After what had to have been an hour or so I was able to stand. I pulled my clothes up and quit the room. My friends thought I had just imagined it because I was so drunk. I know the truth of it. I went to a friends and slept off most of my drunkenness. Upon waking, I decided I couldn't let this happen ever again. I had fallen so far because of shame. I tried to drown myself in drink to forget the past. However, I promised myself I would never be in a situation again that could lead to me not having any control over my mind and body.
Why have I told you all this? Because we are entering a new phase in this country. We are faced with making a decision that will set the tone for our future. I'm not telling you who to vote for, however, I told you this to get an idea of what kind of character a man has to have to do and say disgusting things to a woman. We have a choice.
Know this, I don't want women's rights to revert back because a man incapable of acting decent gets to hold power. Power not just over woman, but the entire nation. My shame is gone, but my anger at this election is not.
Don't feel sorry for me. Don't be shocked. I'm one person out of SO MANY. Vote.
Monday, October 10, 2016
Thursday, February 26, 2015
The pain is too much. Consuming. Everything I love is gone. The loneliness is slowly seeping in. My thoughts come in short bursts and die out quickly. It’s too hard to think when there is nothing around to pull your attention. My chest is heavy, making every breath a struggle. I’ve been outside only once, the neighborhood stood still. The stillness was overwhelming. I’ve never know such stillness. It’s time, to do something, maybe. No one ever answered 911 before, but I have to try everything again. I call. It rings for what seems like forever. My resuscitation efforts had already been worn. It’s time I start searching, outside maybe?
I open the arched door crafted by my dad. Releasing a deep sigh, I decide. Each step is heavy with grief, I have to do this. My body flops to a seated position on the fronts steps. I begin to take in my surroundings. Cookie cutter houses line the street, all brick up to one third of the house and stucco the rest of the way. The street had been freshly repaved; I could still smell the lingering asphalt. I like that smell. I let my senses take over, I allow myself a moment to bask in a simple joy before reality sets in and depression again overcomes my spirit. Cars are stopped on the street and the bodies in them are statues like my family. The thought occurs that, if people died, wouldn’t they crash their cars?
This can’t be death. It’s got to be something else, but what? Everything is in the condition it was left, no damage. I would’ve heard the bangs and screams, there weren’t any. I look up to the clear cloudless sky and see a plane. Not moving. How this possible, time is stopped, but I’m still moving. My family isn’t dead. “My family is alive!” I say it aloud without realizing. I go back inside, hug each of them and let them know I’ll figure it out. Thoughts storm my mind of how my siblings would roll their eyes at the thought of me ‘fixing’ anything, but I look to my parents who I know would have faith in me. I cling to what I hope they would feel and I race back out the door.
I try the houses to my right and left first and nothing. Stillness. I pace in front of my house and think. I can’t possibly go through each house; however, I don’t know what else to do. I turn to cross the street and I see Jimmy. He is so still, poor guy. I wish at this very moment I could hear his musical voice, and then I do. Jimmy is saying something, his mouth is moving. I hear a faint beat of words and he comes running. Before I can grasp what is happening he has attached himself at my hip, hugging me so tightly I have to pry him off finger my finger.
“Jimmy-boy! You alright, kid?” I look down at his glorious face and relief streams through my body. Someone, Jimmy, is awake with me. I’m not alone.
“Hazie, it’s bad. It’s so bad. My mom she… she’s…” the desperation in his voice was thick, and oozing with panic. The poor kid was white with fear, I wonder how I looked. Ugh, no time to be vain, jimmy needs me.
“She’s ok jimmy, she’s not dead. Look up.” I crouch down so I’m eye level to his big green eyes and point to the airplane that is suspended thousands of feet up, exhaust jetting from its engines in two straight lines. “We’re the only things moving, so far as I can tell. I think everything is just frozen, not dead. We’ll figure it out, boy.” I stand, pluck at his curls adoringly and pray that we really can figure it out.
“It looks like a picture Hazie, why isn’t it moving?” His panic is easing a bit. I bet the plane is a welcomed distraction.
I don’t have any answers for him, so I choose not to say anything. We sit on the curb in front of my house and take a moment. I know we have to do something, but for the life of me, I can’t think of what I could possibly do. I’m pretty sure I don’t have superpowers that could awake or unfreeze everyone. What am I supposed to do? Seriously, could someone just walk up to me and give me a little direction, please? Since no one else is magically appearing I guess it’s time to move. Sitting still is making me uneasy and letting the panic seep back into both of us.
Jimmy’s demeanor suddenly shifts, he stands at attention. He puffs his chest out as if to appear strong and soldier like. Bless his heart. This kid is strong, and he doesn’t have any idea what’s going on. Where on Earth is my strength? I couldn’t possibly tell him I don’t have a plan when his is so willing to be a hero. I stand at attention and puff my chest out like I have muscles, although there is not a muscle in sight. I solute him, “James Brown, Officer of Ivory Street, I hereby ask your assistance in annihilation of the enemy. Will you comply, Soldier?” I do my best to sound deep and tough, I’m positive I come off as silly. His response breaks my heart.
“Aye, Cap’tn Hazel Nolan. I am ready for duty. We will save our families and return safely.” So it is, our pact is solemn. I can’t let my family or this sweet boy down.
Not knowing what to expect or where to start, I decide maybe we should fill backpacks, one for each of us. The second I mention ‘backpack’ he shoots out of my front door and runs across the street to his house. Holding proudly in his arms is his bright yellow and red Optimus Prime backpack. I can’t resist a smile. I can do this with little Jimmy at my side. I remember the princess backpack I had when I was his age. I think I still have it somewhere. I dig through my closet and toss the stylish teal canvas satchel I was going to use aside. “Aha! Here it is!” I tug it free from inside a storage bin and I toss it happily in my hands.
We pack water bottles, snacks, sweatshirts, and some odds and ends. I decide it’s better safe than sorry, so I fill my teal satchel with a blanket, a pocketknife, and a roll of toilet paper. I don’t know where we’re going, but I better be ready for anything. I toss the satchel over one shoulder and it hangs at the opposite side. I slide the backpack on and assess Jimmy. He’s ready; he even has his ‘heelies’ on.
Since cars are in the street stopped and blocking the way, I don’t know how we could possibly drive anywhere. I give Jimmy the choice of riding bikes or walking. Of course the 6 year old chooses bikes. It’s probably a smart choice; we can cover more ground and quicker on bikes. He has a transformers bike to match his backpack, he brags that his uncle got it for him, and he never needed the training wheels. I have my older brothers hammy down mountain bike, it’s worn and a very faded blue, but it’ll do.
We ride towards the city. A few minutes pass and we’re in a groove. While keeping a moderate pace Jimmy tells the elaborate tale of our adventure. His story includes an evil sorcerous that holds an amulet that controls time and space, a ring that controls her minions, and earrings that harbor innocent prisoners.
Saturday, February 21, 2015
I'm struggling as I write because I become so intimidated by letting people see some of my cherished works. I feel open and vulnerable, more so than my idle chit chat that distracts from my true nature. I've written many things, here is the beginning of a book that I'm working on. Enjoy.
It’s freezing. “How far down are we?” No one answers me. Of course no one is going to respond to a simple question from a 17 year old girl, especially one who fades so well into these grey walls. I silently try and calculate how long it took to travel this far underground, but my math skills are weak and I have no idea how fast the elevator is moving. Once we exit the hospital sized elevator I see the sign, 325 ft. No wonder my head is feeling fuzzy. The hallway opens into a large room that resembles a bank safe. Hundreds of safety deposit boxes line the walls, each marked with a family name. I stare at the slightly larger family container marked ‘NOLAN.’ Ours is bigger because there are so many who make up my rambunctious family.
“Hazel, Hazel….HAZEL !”
“Yes, mother?” The sarcasm drips from my mouth before I can suck it back from my lips. She snapped me out of my disorientation, so it’s her own fault when I respond like a ‘typical teenager’ as she would put it.
“Where is your lock of hair?” We’re with everyone from our neighborhood so with her big blue eyes and eyelashes that extend so far I think of flower petals, she says ‘you’ll regret that when we’re home.’ I hand her my 2 inch lock of mouse brown hair and watch her frantically gather the other items from all of my siblings. Lots of things are my mothers fault; she wouldn’t be so crazy right now if she had stopped after three kids. She jokes that she regrets all seven of us. With the way she stresses, sometimes I wonder if she’s telling the truth. But it’s her flower eyes that bring me back to the reality that she brought us all here on purpose. I feel safe knowing I was a calculated risk and she wanted me anyway.
Evil laughter emerges from the deep gut that can only come from a child, a naughty one. Jimmy Brown. His mother Deborah is either lying when she says she didn’t realize the name James Brown had already been occupied, or lying that she didn’t name Jimmy after him. Oddly enough the name is exactly how I would describe him. I almost like hearing him throw tantrums because his screams are musical, especially the last note, he always extends it for a grand finale. More so, it’s the way he’d move his legs when he tripped his little sister Issia (which was the reason for his laughter.) they’d flail like worms and suddenly snap back into place. His momma must have felt his crazy legs in the womb. “Oh ‘Sia, you stupid chicken head! You fall for it every time!” He retains the attention of nearly everyone down here; I wish I had this seven year olds laugh. His green eyes, soft black skin and caramel curls get him noticed wherever he goes. In a way, he reminds me of a candy bar, well, one that laughs and screams on key anyway.
“Ruby, Jimmy is here! Oooh, I bet you want to twirl his curls!” It’s hard for everyone in the bunker to refrain from laughing now, my little brother Matt can’t help but taunt Ruby. She’s the youngest of us all and is the easiest target. In her defense Jimmy loves her back. Ruby’s flushed cheeks and Jimmy’s laugh lightened the mood. The grey walls seemed to brighten to the colors of their personalities.
Mrs. Brown peeked in our container and awed over my Gramma Mabel’s wedding ring. Elaborate light blue sapphires circled around twice on top and bottom framing a grand white diamond, when she used to wear it; it went up to her middle knuckle. What no one knew though is that gramma sold the diamond to pay for my mom’s college. The replacement looked as real as the lies she made my mom believe. My mom got the ring when gramma died; I hope she kept it to have her close by and not for the supposed value. Maybe one day I’ll tell mom how I read gramma’s journal entry and tore out the page so she wouldn’t feel guilty. I kept it though; it was what I kept to be close to her.
The mood went back to its claustrophobic dreariness. Apparently, we’re on the brink of what they call a bio-chemical war. From what our teachers say, the government hasn’t confirmed or denied that it could actually happen. “If the threat is true, it wouldn’t be imminent for years.” The president is always spewing phrases like that around when he’s bombarded with reporters. I personally don’t believe any of it. People who are skilled at math do the numbers, and the news always broadcasts that it would be far too catastrophic for it to be a reality. Sometimes they’ll issue a warning and say it’ll be just the United States that is hit, but most often they say it’ll affect every continent, and would be utterly useless as a war tactic since everyone could die, not just the enemy.
Either way, the growing trend is ‘Saving for the Generations.’ This is the new Presidential candidate’s slogan. Mr. Henry Foster, pronounced Hen-ray Faw-sta. He’s a short man that greatly resembles Yosemite Sam. Between his white linen Colonial Sanders suits and slowed speech he’s oozing of southern charm, or as he would say it, “Suthan chawm.” He’s everywhere, and it doesn’t help that I can’t take my eyes off of that thick red mustache. I’m pretty sure he uses campaign money to have it dyed that deep fire color. While his image is distracting, his plan has been catching on like reality TV. At this rate he may be elected before the term is up for the current President. With disaster just around the corner(or so they say) he has built mass bunkers deep in the Earth’s surface, not only to store humans, but our legacy as well. If you tell someone to report to the city office and submit a DNA sample there will be an overwhelming negative response. That’s why Mr. Foster took a far different approach, he prefers flattery.
He’d find Mr. Joe Shmoe and tell him he’s the finest creature that was given to this planet, and if he doesn’t leave a record of it, “Oh my! How will people a hunerd years from now know how mighdy fantastic you are?” He’s charming, and he’s right. Not that Joe Shtupid is great, but about that burning question in all of us, have I done something notable? Have I done something that someone will care to talk about when I’m gone? His hard work has proven to be a huge success; he’s up in the polls. Every one is writing detailed accounts of their lives; it must be the fear of death that motivates people to leave behind something, anything proving they existed.
So that’s why I’m stuck next to a man who smells like cat urine and fat people. My mother is down to organizing my littlest sisters ID bag. Along with our mug shot and social security number labeling it, the bags contain:
- 2 inch lock of hair. If you don’t have enough hair, you can provide a blood sample.
- Family trees as far back as you have; including pictures.
- Any picture albums that you would like included.
- Records. Copies of Birth Certificates, SSN, Licenses, awards, diplomas, religious certificates, and any other record you would like to include.
- Voice recordings. Say your name, birthday, current residence and any other tid bits you want remembered.
- Personal items that will fit inside the family container.
We lock our safety deposit legacy box and take the long ride back to the top. Putting everything in the box is just a precaution and since nothing is expected to happen for ‘years,’ we retreat back to our modest home. We made it there safely despite my dad swinging his arm back in hopes to smack us so we’ll stop torturing each other. The dinner table is much quieter than usual. There hasn’t been one belch or complaint. We’re all thinking about the same thing, the possible doom that could be minutes away. When the silence becomes too much for me I excuse myself and go take a shower. I felt disgusting be crammed so close to so many smelly people. I stay in the shower a while. The music plays loud and I sing along, trying to wash the stench of this sad world off of me. I slip into my bathrobe and stare in the mirror hoping that the face I see will magically change. Since it’s not changing I decide to put on a little make-up so I can mask my uneven skin. I have to give myself some credit though; my eyes are a strong black and give my face an intensity that draws in the respect of adults, and a few compliments. I’ve wanted to color my hair to match my eyes, but my mom won’t allow it. Not yet anyway.
My stomach is in knots and I’m not sure why. I pick up a wooden pen and began tracing the grooves of my name. I received it after I lied to my dad about breaking his Ipod. It was an accident and I hid the evidence, he knew it was me and I couldn’t lie when I saw his face. He’d grind his teeth and raise his brows; I’d always cave under the pressure. When I told him the truth finally his angry face lightened to disappointed, I’d take my punishment and as I’d walk away he’d say “aren’t you forgetting something?” I’d redirect and wrap my arms around his neck, freshly cut wood filled my nose; sometimes I’d have to brush the saw dust off of his shoulders. He taught woodshop at the high school, and he would always bring home that week’s project, that day it was a pen with my name beautifully carved into it. “You’re my little girl, always.” He’d say. A smile came across my face; my reflection made me realize I look much better smiling than stern.
The feeling in the pit of my stomach didn’t leave. I can’t think of anything I’m forgetting, school’s out for the summer and I’ve got nothing going on for the next week or so. I trace over what has happened in the last few days to try and place this sinking feeling. For the life of me, I can’t figure it out. I notice it’s gotten quiet and so I follow the silence downstairs, I hope they didn’t go out for dessert without me! My dad’s weathered leather wallet sits on the beautifully crafted entryway table he built by hand, so, they didn’t leave. I grow more curious as I see Ruby’s favorite Barbie pink flip flops on the floor and the purple rimmed square glasses that Val’s broken three times. “Outside.” I state assuredly as I peek out of the glass on the back French doors. “Not outside, hmmm.” I hear the spaghetti sauce still boiling in the kitchen, “that’s weird,” it’s been a while since dinner should have been over. My bare feet feel the cold tiles that my dad and brothers laid. I stare at the tiles remembering how Gavin complained non stop about his knees hurting. The tile is beautiful, no thanks to Gavin for quitting early.
I raise my head and see my family still at the table. Statues, Medusa has frozen them. My mother’s eyes are empty as she stares at the mustard walls. A look of fear is etched in each of my brothers and sisters faces. Where are their outbursts and insults when I desperately need them? Nothing, I am alone in the kitchen where my family sits. Confusion holds my body captive for what has to be several minutes. It’s not until I collapse to the frozen tiles that I understand what happened. Tears drown my eyes, I can’t see. I don’t want to see. If I don’t accept it then it isn’t real. I scream so loud in my daddy’s ear, “Why won’t you listen to me?!” I’m his little girl, his pumpkin, his princess. I hate them all for not paying attention to me. Why do they pretend I’m not here? I shake them all excessively hoping it hurts so they’ll wake up. It doesn’t work. So resigned, I sit at the table as still as I can, hoping to join them, praying they’ll take me with them where ever they’ve gone.
Minutes, hours, even days could’ve passed and I wouldn’t have known any different. My face is swollen from tears. Memories flood through me faster than I can savor them and no matter how many times I recant what happened I can’t figure it out. Taking my first step outside the sun burns brighter than I’ve ever seen it. Throwing my hand up to protect my eyes until they adjust and what I see is my neighborhood. It’s exactly as it’s ever been except everyone is as dead as my family.
Monday, October 6, 2014
This morning I woke up in a panicked sweat, somebody was going to get seriously injured. He had an affair. He left me, and for a MAN! A really really tall man! He's leaving me for Kareem Abdul Jabbar. The nerve! Was it because they bonded over basketball goggles? Maybe it was their affinity for jerseys, or is my husband converting to Islam? All these questions rushed through my mind like moms rushing to a target sale. And then it hit me....
AWWWHhh HECK to the NO! Where did he find the time? He left me home with the kids so he could go out and score with KarEEm. I talk to myself on a regular basis and he's out playin' the court (you're welcome for the pun, btw) No, just no. I need to get out too.
Tonight he's staying home, I'm crafting with the girls.
Friday, October 3, 2014
I figure since I am polishing off a bag of peanut butter m&m's(the big bag) I better at least be productive, so, as to ease my guilt I'll introduce myself.
I'm Caroline. I'm married to the guy of my dreams and we have 2 gorgeously silly girls. I stay home with my kids and do hair on the side. My wallet is usually empty because kids fashion is just a little too addicting. I read lots of books and dream of finishing mine before I'm an old lady.(I'll post snippets here.) Doctor Who is my homeboy. I have a big family, adore them all. I recently lost my little brother, he will inspire many posts to come. I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
Still reading? Whoa, I guess I'm kind of big deal.